What is ONE word to be accused of discrimination 5 times?
"Ugly"
to a ugly, old, black, fat lady.
It is not the 'word' but to 'whom' you speak to, no matter it is true or not.
Showing posts with label Joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joke. Show all posts
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Anatomy of a joke
The anatomy of a joke.
You (assuming you’re older than 11) only laugh at something that is unusual like:
- ridiculously exaggerated
- body (female and male) parts we do not discuss/show normally – unless you have something better than the average. 
- words with double meaning
…
So, about 30% of the jokes are about sex. If you do not believe me, turn on the cable TV tonight, count and classify the jokes. Let me know your result tomorrow.
If you're less than 11, please get off from your parents' PC and go back to your homework.
-----------------
Here is one good example of a good joke. In addition to most that satisfy the criteria, it is brief and effective.
We were supposed to have 8″ of snow in Boston, but no snow. The beautiful but naive anchor lady asked the weather man, “Hi Bill, what happened to the 8″ you promised me last night?” The whole staff in the set laughed so loud that they’ve to go on commercial for the next hour.
Silly equations
#1. corruption = wealthy folks wo power + powerful folks wo wealth.
#2 This one measures how successful a man is.
success = quantity of women you have * their avg. quality / avg. age
(for male)
success = how much money your husband has
(for female, sorry ladies)
In the old days, women were treated as property in China. Hope it is no longer true.
# 3. winner meter = sum of all expensive toys you have (women not counted) when you die
where women is treated as toy, you need to refer to equation #2.
# 4. On cutting girls for organs in Chinese malls.
Scary Disaster = Recession + Poverty + Corruption + Poor Governance
#2 This one measures how successful a man is.
success = quantity of women you have * their avg. quality / avg. age
(for male)
success = how much money your husband has
(for female, sorry ladies)
In the old days, women were treated as property in China. Hope it is no longer true.
# 3. winner meter = sum of all expensive toys you have (women not counted) when you die
where women is treated as toy, you need to refer to equation #2.
# 4. On cutting girls for organs in Chinese malls.
Scary Disaster = Recession + Poverty + Corruption + Poor Governance
Women
According to my world (male, biased and stupid), all women are divided into “beautiful” and “not beautiful”.
The “not beautiful” are sub divided as “smart”, “educated”, “tall”, “thin”, “cute”, “young”, “rich”, “sociable”…
There is no need to sub divide “beautiful” women - I really do not care whether you're smart, rich, young...
Sorry to offend half (or one quarter depending whether you like flattering) of the world population in one sentence.
Next time some one calls you "cute" and you happen to be a lady, be careful what he really means.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
How to win in lottery
It is easy to win if you ask me nicely to borrow my time machine to go several days forward to get the winning number.
------
In Mass. we will have a jackpot over $250M this Tue. I will go to the Mass. lottery office on Tue morning and buy all possible combination.
I'll be filthy rich if there is only one winner (me).
OK if there is another winner.
You never see my ugly face in USA if there are more than two.
------
I did some calculation with the expected value = jackpot * probability + 2nd price * probability+... and compare it to the present value of 20 installments based on 3% return and consider 50% tax rate. If my memory is good, $150 M jackpot is a fair value.
Below $150 M jackpot, it is a fool's game but benefiting local towns.
To reduce the chance of duplicated winners, you need not to select #1 to 30, the birthdays.
------
What we really win for $1 bet.
If we buy the ticket on Tue and the announcement of the winner is on Friday, we've 3 sweet dreams. We will promise how much we donate to charities and friends. Not too bad for $1.
------
In Mass. we will have a jackpot over $250M this Tue. I will go to the Mass. lottery office on Tue morning and buy all possible combination.
I'll be filthy rich if there is only one winner (me).
OK if there is another winner.
You never see my ugly face in USA if there are more than two.
------
I did some calculation with the expected value = jackpot * probability + 2nd price * probability+... and compare it to the present value of 20 installments based on 3% return and consider 50% tax rate. If my memory is good, $150 M jackpot is a fair value.
Below $150 M jackpot, it is a fool's game but benefiting local towns.
To reduce the chance of duplicated winners, you need not to select #1 to 30, the birthdays.
------
What we really win for $1 bet.
If we buy the ticket on Tue and the announcement of the winner is on Friday, we've 3 sweet dreams. We will promise how much we donate to charities and friends. Not too bad for $1.
Lady missing a flight
To enjoy the best 3 minutes of your day, click the video here - 4 M hits and still counting.
You will lose some fun if you do not understand Cantonese, but it is so funny that I almost die.
What do you do when you miss a flight? I hope you're not the lady here.
She won the American Funniest Video without even showing up.
What do you do if your wife is like that?
For Chinese banquets at 7 pm, no food is served before 9 pm - teach Chinese a lesson of punctuality.
She missed the flight due to bargaining at the duty-free shop.
She was driven crazy as she just missed her appointment with a nail/hair salon in San Francisco.
She is the center of the universe, just like my daughter.
She told her 'stupid' husband he should have put his stupid foot inside the door while waiting for her.
She argued that she was not late as she saw the plane still parked there.
She shouted in Cantonese why they're so inhuman and treated her like a stupid pig which she really is.
She will give a demo in Dance with Stars - how to take out all the frustration in life in just 3 minutes. :)
That's nothing compared to what she did while debating in Taiwan's congress.
She is the model of all Chinese ladies - you need to fight for your right. I can go on forever from her inspiration.
If this drama queen were a US citizen (where carrying gun is legal), we're in big trouble.
I would like some one to interview her teachers from kindergarten to see what's wrong with Hong Kong's education system.
She redefines the term 'human residue'.
She is invited to all talk shows at $5000 each plus expenses. What a smart lady for 3 minutes of work? However, she just missed the chance of an Oscar this year.
It just made more than 5 millions folks around the world laugh and forget our bad recession for 3 minutes. For that, I would give her an Oscar and even a Nobel Peace Prize.
When you visit Hong Kong next time, there is a memorial in her name standing next to Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan - she is better looking than the other two.
All Chinese esp. ladies in Canton and HK would gladly point out the lady is a Japanese. Many Chinese guys happily point out his ex-wife is just like this one.
This is what happens when you spin an 'Oriental" a few times and she becomes 'disoriented'.
If you do anything crazy, relax and watch this video. You cannot top this one.
It seems all Orientals carry a video camera, so watch out your behavior in public esp. in Asia.
It also teaches us not to eat any extra spicy Chinese food before we go to an airport.
She could have called the airline telling them there was a bomb in the plane. I bet they would come back to pick her up.
I find at least 3 ladies in my life just like her (no names please). How many do you find?
--------
My good friend Joe gave the following explanation:
Most of us were born before or right after WWII. HK lowest point
population during WWII was around half million. Rest assure most of us
either refugee to HK or kids of refugee. May be that is why! The war gets
to us.
HK progresses very fast. May be humanity can't catch up with economic miracle.
----
Reply: curious about the behavior of the new generation of 'little emperors in China'.
----
Do you think it is staged? She wanted to be famous without spending a dollar. Do you know her man friend took the video and loaded it to internet? She is laughing at us and our stupid world all the way to the bank.
You will lose some fun if you do not understand Cantonese, but it is so funny that I almost die.
What do you do when you miss a flight? I hope you're not the lady here.
She won the American Funniest Video without even showing up.
What do you do if your wife is like that?
For Chinese banquets at 7 pm, no food is served before 9 pm - teach Chinese a lesson of punctuality.
She missed the flight due to bargaining at the duty-free shop.
She was driven crazy as she just missed her appointment with a nail/hair salon in San Francisco.
She is the center of the universe, just like my daughter.
She told her 'stupid' husband he should have put his stupid foot inside the door while waiting for her.
She argued that she was not late as she saw the plane still parked there.
She shouted in Cantonese why they're so inhuman and treated her like a stupid pig which she really is.
She will give a demo in Dance with Stars - how to take out all the frustration in life in just 3 minutes. :)
That's nothing compared to what she did while debating in Taiwan's congress.
She is the model of all Chinese ladies - you need to fight for your right. I can go on forever from her inspiration.
If this drama queen were a US citizen (where carrying gun is legal), we're in big trouble.
I would like some one to interview her teachers from kindergarten to see what's wrong with Hong Kong's education system.
She redefines the term 'human residue'.
She is invited to all talk shows at $5000 each plus expenses. What a smart lady for 3 minutes of work? However, she just missed the chance of an Oscar this year.
It just made more than 5 millions folks around the world laugh and forget our bad recession for 3 minutes. For that, I would give her an Oscar and even a Nobel Peace Prize.
When you visit Hong Kong next time, there is a memorial in her name standing next to Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan - she is better looking than the other two.
All Chinese esp. ladies in Canton and HK would gladly point out the lady is a Japanese. Many Chinese guys happily point out his ex-wife is just like this one.
This is what happens when you spin an 'Oriental" a few times and she becomes 'disoriented'.
If you do anything crazy, relax and watch this video. You cannot top this one.
It seems all Orientals carry a video camera, so watch out your behavior in public esp. in Asia.
It also teaches us not to eat any extra spicy Chinese food before we go to an airport.
She could have called the airline telling them there was a bomb in the plane. I bet they would come back to pick her up.
I find at least 3 ladies in my life just like her (no names please). How many do you find?
--------
My good friend Joe gave the following explanation:
Most of us were born before or right after WWII. HK lowest point
population during WWII was around half million. Rest assure most of us
either refugee to HK or kids of refugee. May be that is why! The war gets
to us.
HK progresses very fast. May be humanity can't catch up with economic miracle.
----
Reply: curious about the behavior of the new generation of 'little emperors in China'.
----
Do you think it is staged? She wanted to be famous without spending a dollar. Do you know her man friend took the video and loaded it to internet? She is laughing at us and our stupid world all the way to the bank.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)