My stupid name is Boris

I wrote the following after watching the closing ceremony of the Olympic. It is a satire but it is not too far away from the truth. We did have street sweepers from London holding jobs as high officials in Hong Kong - my late father could name names. Actually it was an upgrade when British government sent high crime prisoners as early settlers to Australia. Several folks from EU were very upset and you be the judge.

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Hi, my name is Boris

I’m the mayor of London. If I look familiar to you, it is because I was in the closing ceremony in the Beijing Olympic. I have a confession.

I had two dozens of the great Chinese beer and our famous opium before the ceremony (luckily they did not test me for drug). That’s why I looked like a happy child and the flag was so heavy to wave when it was passed to me.

I did not button my jacket, as it was too hot for my big belly. By the way, I picked up the jacket from the flea market. It is a little big, but the price is right.

If you found any grammatical mistake in this confession, it is because I just barely passed high school.

If you asked me why I am the mayor of London, you have to ask why my brother-in-law, a janitor in London, was the governor of Hong Kong.

How many Briton can make all Britons ugly and stupid in 8 minutes? I’m the only one and for that I should get a gold medal.

China, the human rights lover

China, the human rights lover

* Contrary to popular belief, it is a fact.
30 years ago, many Chinese died of starvation, did not have a roof over their heads…
Not any more now.
Are these the basic human rights?

* Why you’re lied to.
The media wants to create controversy to sell their stuffs.
The politician wants to establish a common enemy, so you ignore more important problems that they cannot fix.
The offense companies have more reason to expand.
They all assume you are stupid and cannot analyze.

* Why is US a human rights violator.
How many we killed and how many Chinese killed abroad last year?
How many innocent people we have to kill in Iraq before we stop?
How many national guards are sent to the killing field against their will??
Should we destroy another country accusing them to have ‘mass destruction weapons’?
Why it is OK for us to own nuclear weapons that can destroy the entire world with a push of a button?
How many citizens die of obesity as we encourage “good” food?
How many poor remain to be poor for generations due to our generous welfare system?
How many our children are killed every year due to our lack of gun control law?
Gun control is not even an issue for both political parties for as long as I can remember.
How many teenage mothers we encourage starting from the top politicians?
How many Indians stay in their reservation forever and got drunk by not providing them with jobs?
How we use up the world’s oil and blame China who uses less than ¼ of ours per capita?
In addition, a good portion of China’s oil is used to manufacture our stuffs that we do not really need.
China has been victim (8-nation army for helping Brits to push Opium and WW2), and US always involves in wars.
How we blame China for military expenditure while ours is 10 times theirs?
How we encourage our citizens to spend on credit and buy houses we cannot afford until the entire financial system collapses?
When special interest groups donate millions to politicians, how can they make unbiased decisions for us?
Protesting child labor abuse (or prisoner labor abuse) is just ridiculous if that job means the only meal for the child for the entire day.

The list is endless.

China has its own problems and we have our own. Let each work on her problems and we’ll have a better world.

Your yardstick is good for your country but not mine, and China’s yardstick is comparing China 30 years ago. It is laughable to use the yardstick of a developed country (US) to measure a developing country (China), and vice versa. Depending on which yardstick you’re using, China could be a human right lover and US a violator – that could sound funny!

* Chinaman for President *

* Chinaman for President *

I promise every citizen will have a couch and unlimited supply of potato chip. Here are my solutions to all our problems.

Federal deficit. No more foreign invasion like Iraq. Enough billions will be saved to fulfill my above promise for many generations to come!

Trade deficit. Sell every missile, atomic bomb and carrier to China as we do not need them any more. Make the Chinese promise not to use them against us, or we can change the GPS to reroute all the missiles back to Beijing.

Economy. Only bail out greedy companies as greed is good. How hard to speed up the money printing machine? Or, borrow more from China. No money, no import.

Human rights. No gun for our citizens. If that Chinese had an AK 45 in the Beijing Olympic incidence, imagine how many would be killed. Learn from the human right lovers.

Illegal immigrants. When caught, send them to Alaska for the hardest labor on earth. I bet even the dumbest Mexican will not come here illegally. Problem solved. The nice guy I pay pennies to clean up my yard is the only exception.

Education. Just import some smart, young, educated Chinese that they have plenty to spare. Why spend billions to produce mediocre college graduates who cannot count from 1 to 12 (unless they have 12 fingers)?

Social welfare. All welfare cheaters including all politicians will be sent to China for re-education. Cheap and effective.

Obesity. The more walking refrigerators we have, the wealthier we look. Feel sorry for the skinny Chinese suffering from malnutrition.

Medical Delivery. You do not pay, you die. Crude but very effective way to encourage you to work hard, save, small government, and do not blame all your problems on others.

Permissibility. Encourage teenage pregnancy - our politicians set up great examples. There will be more under-aged gymnasts to choose from.

Social security. Import more young foreigners for jobs, hence contributing to social security. Encourage old citizens to die early to reduce the draw from the pot by giving them unlimited supply of Viagra, alcohol…

Politicians. They tell you what you want to hear: no income tax, bailout, rebate checks, and free medical delivery. They think you’re stupid enough not to ask “where the money comes from”.

This message is approved (as all dumb politicians with no creativity would say) by your friendly Chinese government, who wants you buy more couches and potato chips.