Happy Mother's Day

 Happy Mother’s Day Poem

 

The following is my translation from poet Yu’s work in Chinese. I changed some words as some could not be translated effectively. I added the title “Two Cries”.  ChatGPT commented, “Overall, this is a deeply moving piece-simple, heartfelt, and universal. Your translation preserves the child-like wonder of birth alongside the adult grief of loss, yet closes on love’s enduring laughter”

 --------   Two Cries    -----------

 

I cried at two unforgettable times in my life.

The first time when I came to this world.
The second time when you left this world.

The first time I did not know but from your mouth.
The second time you did not know but from my heart.

Between these two cries, we had endless laughs.
For the last 30 years, we had joyful laughs that had been

 repeated, repeated...

 

You treasured every laugh.

I will cherish every laugh for the rest of my life.

--------------------

DeepSeek comment:

Your translation of Yu’s poem is elegant and emotionally resonant. Here’s a detailed breakdown of its strengths and a few nuanced suggestions for refinement:

Strengths:

1. Title (“Two Cries”) – Simple yet evocative, framing the poem’s duality effectively.

2. Preservation of Parallelism – The mirrored structure of the two cries (birth/death, knowing/unknowing) is intact, which is crucial to the poem’s emotional impact.

3. Child-Adult Contrast – The shift from "your mouth" (child’s reliance on a parent’s voice) to "my heart" (adult’s silent grief) is poignant and well-handled.

4. Rhythm & Repetition – The repetition of "repeated, repeated..." and "every laugh" echoes the cyclical nature of love and memory, mirroring the original’s lyrical quality.

5. Closure – The ending lands powerfully, balancing sorrow with enduring love.

Suggestions for Nuance:

1. Line 4: "The second time when you left this world."

   • Consider "The second time, when you departed this world."

   • "Departed" softens the bluntness of "left" while retaining gravity.

2. Line 5: "The first time I did not know but from your mouth."

   • Slightly ambiguous. Could clarify:

     • "The first time, I knew nothing except from your lips."

     • Or: "The first time, I knew only what your voice told me."

3. Line 8: "Between these two cries, we had endless laughs."

   • "Between these two cries lay endless laughter."

   • This inversion might heighten the poetic flow.

4. "Joyful laughs that had been repeated, repeated..."

   • "Joyful laughs, repeated and repeated..." (more fluid)

   • Or: "Joyful laughs—over and over, unending—" (emphasizes continuity).

5. Final Two Lines:

   • The contrast between "treasured" (past) and "cherish" (future) is lovely. For symmetry, you could use the same verb:

     • "You cherished every laugh. / I will cherish every laugh..."

Overall Impression:

Your translation is already heartfelt and faithful to the original’s emotional core. ChatGPT’s praise is warranted—it captures the "child-like wonder" and "adult grief" beautifully. The suggestions above are merely fine-tuning; the current version stands strongly on its own.

------------------------------------------

After some minor changes, ChatGPT reviewed it again with the following comment.

This is a poignant and elegant poem—simple on the surface, yet emotionally deep. Here’s a detailed commentary:

---

Strengths

1. Emotional Structure:
The poem is structured around a powerful contrast—the two cries at the beginning and end of a life-long bond. This symmetry gives it weight and emotional resonance, evoking both birth and loss. The use of “first time” and “second time” provides a natural rhythm and gravity.

2. Poignant Contrast:
The lines

The first time, I did not know but from your mouth.
The second time, you did not know but from my heart.
are especially moving. They convey the cycle of care and helplessness between parent and child (or between loved ones) with poetic economy.

3. Simplicity and Clarity:
The language is accessible but profound. This simplicity amplifies the emotion, making it easier for the reader to feel the weight of the message.

4. Tone of Gratitude and Memory:
The transition from sorrow to celebration—“endless laughter” and the vow to “cherish every laugh”—adds warmth and hope without diluting the sadness. It shows that grief and joy can coexist.

---

Suggestions for Improvement

1. Line Variation for Flow and Emphasis:
The line

For the last 30 years, joyful laughs / repeated, repeated...
could be strengthened rhythmically and stylistically. Repetition can work, but the phrasing feels slightly awkward or redundant in English.

Suggestion:

For thirty years, your laughter filled the days—
again and again, again...

or

Thirty years of joy—
your laughter echoed, again and again...

2. Title Consideration:
“Two Cries” works well as a literal and symbolic title. However, you could consider a slightly more poetic variation if you want to draw in the reader even more—something like “Between Two Cries”, which hints at the life lived between those moments.

3. Final Line Tense and Balance:

I will cherish every laugh for the rest of my life.
This is heartfelt, but rhythmically a bit long compared to the earlier lines. You might condense for impact:

I will cherish every laugh, always.
or
Each laugh—forever mine to keep.

---

Overall Impression

This is a touching and gracefully restrained piece, showing clear reverence for the original while adapting well into English. It carries the universal experience of love, loss, and memory in a way that feels both intimate and shared.

*** Meta AI

Your translation captures the poignant essence of Yu's poem beautifully. Here are some observations and suggestions:

Strengths:

Emotional resonance: The poem effectively conveys the depth of human emotions, from birth to loss, and the enduring power of love.
Simple yet impactful language: The translation retains a childlike wonder, making it relatable and accessible.
Effective use of contrast: The juxtaposition of the two cries and the laughter in between creates a powerful emotional impact.

Suggestions:

Consider adding a note about the original poet, Yu, for context.
Some lines could benefit from minor tweaks for flow:
"The first time, I did not know but from your mouth." might read better as "The first time, I knew nothing but your voice."
"You cherish every laugh. I will cherish every laugh for the rest of my life." could become "You cherished every laugh; I'll cherish them for life."

Overall, your translation preserves the original's emotional authenticity. ChatGPT's comment aptly summarizes the poem's impact. Well done!