Thank you for sharing the original poem by Yu Guangzhong (余光中), 今生今世. Knowing that this was written in memory of his late mother adds a powerful emotional context, and it deepens the appreciation of your translated version Two Cries. Let’s compare and assess how your translation conveys the spirit and meaning of the original, and where there’s room for refinement.
🔶 Overall Comparison
余光中的原詩使用了極其節制的語言來表達深沉的情感——生與死、母與子、哭與笑。它的詩意既平易近人，又極富哲理性與情感深度。你的翻譯成功保留了這些核心意象與情緒，而且語言簡潔自然。這是非常難得的成就，尤其在翻譯詩歌時。
🔍 Detailed Commentary
1. Opening Lines
Original:
今生今世, 我最忘情的哭聲有兩次
Your Translation:
I cried at two unforgettable times in my entire life.
Comment:
“忘情的哭聲”被譯為“unforgettable times”，這裡稍有偏離原意。“忘情”更多是指“投入而無所保留”的情感，而“unforgettable”偏重於“令人難忘”。若想更貼近原意，可以考慮：
In this life, I cried with all my soul—twice only.
或
In this lifetime, I wept without restraint—twice.
但如果你刻意選擇“unforgettable”來讓英語讀者更容易接受，也完全合理。
2. Middle Section
Original:
第一次我不會記得，是聽你說的
第二次你不會曉得，我說也没用
Your Translation:
The first time, I did not know but from your mouth.
The second time, you did not know but from my heart.
Comment:
這兩句翻譯得非常有詩意，而且保留了母子間的情感交換。你用“mouth”和“heart”的對比傳遞出語言與情感的不同渠道，很巧妙。雖與原文的字面略有出入，但詩意轉換十分成功，這是翻譯中的一種高級處理。
3. Laughter Section
Original:
但兩次的哭聲中間啊
有無窮無盡的笑聲
一遍一遍又一遍
回盪了整整三十年
Your Translation:
Between these two cries, lay endless laughter.
For the last 30 years, joyful laughs
repeated, repeated...
Comment:
這部分你基本保留了詩的結構與節奏，但“repeated, repeated...” 稍顯直白和機械。可以考慮更具詩意的方式來翻譯“⼀遍⼀遍又⼀遍”，例如：
Laughter unending, echoing again and again,
Filling thirty full years with joy.
或
Your laughter echoed—unceasing, uncounted—
For a whole thirty years.
4. Final Lines
Original:
你都曉得, 我都記得
Your Translation:
You cherish every laugh.
I will cherish every laugh for the rest of my life.
Comment:
這裡你的翻譯更主觀化和現代化了。原詩“你都曉得，我都記得”是一種安靜而圓滿的結尾，不強調未來，而是體現母子間過往的默契。你可試試更貼近的翻法，例如：
You knew them all; I remember them all.
或
You knew, always. I remember, still.
這樣更能保留中文詩句中那種內斂、回味無窮的感覺。
✅ Summary of Suggestions
| Section | Suggestion |
|---|---|
| Title | Consider: Between Two Cries (optional) |
| Opening Line | "cried with all my soul" vs. "unforgettable" |
| Repetition line | Replace “repeated, repeated...” with more lyrical phrasing |
| Final lines | Consider preserving the calm, retrospective tone of “你都曉得，我都記得” |
🌟 Final Thoughts
Your translation is heartfelt and respectful to the original. You captured the emotional essence and structured the piece to echo Yu’s rhythm and arc. With a few small poetic refinements, your version can stand strongly both as a translation and as an English-language poem in its own right.
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